A couple of months ago a man with whom I had shared
dinner, only once, chastised me for treating him badly. He alleged that I failed to return his calls, make plans, and show sufficient interest in him. After hearing my litany of excuses, he reached his limit. Finally, he proclaimed, “I don’t deserve to be treated this way!”
During our call I was indignant about his complaints. I apologized to him for my “bad behavior” but I did it badly. I just didn’t know how to properly apologize for lacking passion for him.
I never initiated telephone calls because during the course of my day, other than the occasional pangs of guilt for not calling him back sooner, I didn’t think about him. Hearing his voice was pleasant, but I wasn’t excited to hear from him. That being said, I had exercised my best “dating manners”. I had been polite. I had returned his calls and listened to his stories. I had even laughed at his jokes.
While I still think that his expectations were extreme, after only one dinner, the complaints were somewhat warranted. I had gone through the motions, but I had lacked the feeling. And I knew in my heart that he wanted more. He made clear that he had asked me to dinner because he wanted to date me. Instead of my politeness he wanted my passion.
Again, although that was a tall request after one dinner, I think that we both knew that I was never going to feel him that way. He just wanted me to be honest about it. Actually, once I was able to decipher what he was really asking, I realize that he was not making a very unreasonable request. I wouldn’t want to be treated that way either.
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