Mommy Confessions: Things I Never Thought I’d Do

Before I became a mom I was a little self righteous and judgmental about mothers I saw who couldn’t seem to get it together. Their children would be out with one shoe, food on their faces with snotty noses. Mom would be behind them her hair a wreck, her sweater buttons askew and likely decorated with the same food on her child’s face. I remember thinking, “how could she be out like that?!”

Well, now I know.

Chances are that baby looked perfectly fine when they left the house and she had been a dead ringer for a Stepford wife. Somehow between the time they left home and arrived at the grocery something happened. The forces intervened, those mighty and mysterious baby forces.

Here are some true confessions.

Baby Attended Funeral in Pajamas: Despite my best intentions, my baby attended my grandfather’s funeral in her pajamas and with an unwashed face. I decided to make the trip to Buffalo from Pittsburgh the morning of the funeral. It is a three hour drive. The funeral started at 11, but the wake started at 10. We planned to leave home at 6, but those mysterious baby forces intervened. Oh and there was all of the stuff we needed to pack to accommodate an overnight trip. How can something so tiny require so much gear?! Needless to say we didn’t leave as early as we would have liked. We arrived at the church with no moments to spare. The wake was underway and the funeral was soon to follow. Did I mention that I was speaking on the program too??? Well something had to give. When given the choice to have the baby attend in her pajamas and have me attend in sweatpants, I decided she was young enough and cute enough to pull off the PJ thing.  On the other hand, nobody would have been amused by me wearing sweatpants in the pulpit!

Baby Changed on Boutique Floor: One day, there was an unexpected poopy episode. Actually, I have learned that poopy always comes at inconvenient times. However, this time I was in public. I was shopping in a trendy Pittsburgh area known as Shadyside. When we were half a mile from our car shopping, the baby began to whine then she began to cry. Since she’s usually agreeable, I tried to find out why. I picked her up, which soothed her a bit, but then she started up again. I sniffed and then I peaked in her diaper. Lo and behold, there was poopy! Since I wouldn’t be able to push the stroller and carry my bags while holding her I decided to solve the problem. I asked the sales clerk if I could change her on the boutique floor. I think she was too shocked to say no. Before she realized what was going I was on my knees and my baby was laying on her changing pad without her pants or diaper having a grand old time in the middle of the boutique! (Getting her naked always makes her smile. We hope she grows out of that lest we see her on Girls Gone Wild one day…) Did I mention the boutique was closed??? I know. I know. I took advantage of their kindness. I made up for it though. I bought a couple of things to try to compensate them for their troubles.

Mommy Wore Spit-Up to Work: One day I smelled of sour breast milk all day. I had to get to work early and to save time I got dressed before I usually do. True to form the baby got me. She relieved her stomach woes by throwing up on my shoulder. Of course it dripped down my back. For some reason I thought that I could just wipe it off and go on about my day. After all, the sweater was black and you couldn’t see it anymore. What planet do I live on where I believe that what you don’t see can’t smell??? Needless to say, I reeked all day long even I didn’t want to smell me.

Baby Around Town With Her Feet Exposed: My baby is constantly out and about looking like she’s a hillbilly. I swear she could be a Clampett. She is happiest wearing one sock or no socks. Somehow we never make it anywhere with both socks on her feet. This past weekend I was trying to be all civilized at the Phipps Conservatory and tried to get her to wear actual shoes. The gig was up when she looked at the shoes with a perplexed look on her face. She couldn’t have looked more confused if they had been talking to her. Then she kept rubbing her feet against the other until one came off. Only then was she happy. She didn’t seem to mind the other one that much after that. 

Don’t lose heart, I am still glamorous more days than not. However, some days, being glamorous is merely a goal that I don’t manage to cross off of my things to do list. I have also learned that it’s often easier to appear glamorous when I am out by myself. Being with the baby often reveals the truth, I am just a new mom learning as I go!