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Showing posts with the label relationship

How to Make a Relationship Last: "Love Blindness"

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In relationships, we place a high premium on truth , but is there really anything wrong with illusions? I read an article recently by Helen Fisher , PhD. She argued that the key to long lasting romance is the ability to believe, at all times of your relationship, that your partner is as ideal for you as he/she was when you met. The concept is known as “love blindness”. Apparently, idealizing our beloved benefits us and the relationship because we tend to view positively the object of our affection. I think that her argument has merit based on the relationships that I have observed that have failed, including my own. Many have failed because like Dorothy, over time, the partners get a glimpse of what is behind the curtain and learn that their loved one is rather ordinary. One of the reasons that I have been fortunate enough to have several significant romantic relationships is because in the beginning all I see is wonderful.  I believe that my partner is the smartest,

The Bachelor Made a Mockery of Love...

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Anyone who reads this blog knows that I believe in true love. My belief fuels my soul and influences my decisions. For that reason I am completely disgusted with the outcome of the most recent season finale of “ The Bachelor ”. I was rooting for the Bachelor all season. Now I feel just like Charlie Brown . I was duped! This season more than any other, the show made a mockery of love in the most obvious of ways. There was a single father in search of a life partner and a step-mother for his child. He proposed to one woman and then changed his mind a few months later. Not only did he change his mind, he regretted not proposing to another woman from the show. Then, he dumps his fiancée on national television. Moments after the break up, he is kissing the other girl. I’m no expert on human relationships, but I don’t believe that this would ever happen. With stakes that high, a man would be sure before proposing. This outcome had to be all about the ratings. This o

Rivals united by love...

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Last weekend I ran into a woman that I know. I greeted her with a warm greeting--a hug and a smile. We shared pleasantries and stories. I introduced her to my friend. By all appearances, she and I looked like friends. But we’re not. If politics makes strange bedfellows, affairs of the heart create unlikely connections. This woman and I know each another because we both loved the same man, at different points in time. Truthfully, some of those points overlapped. However, there’s really no point in discussing that. It was long ago, but each of us loved him deeply. And that love changed both of our lives. That shared love that binds us. It is that love that gives us a familiarity with one another that is somewhat unnatural. We haven’t lived in the same city and we haven’t met that many times. To be sure, we have other things in common. Although we have different looks, we both are attractive enough to be classified as “pretty girls”. We are both professionals. We both relocated to th

Five Lessons for Using Facebook and Maintaining Your Relationship

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Fortunately, I have not experienced a break up because of Facebook . It may be because I haven’t been involved in a full blown relationship for about eight months… That being said, I know people whose lives have been complicated because of Facebook postings. I also know people who have ruined relationships because of connections made over the Internet . Technology is a good thing, but you have to be careful… First of all, Facebook can expose the truth, in the most unintended of ways. Previously, we could tell little white lies to extend a relationship or to deceive our partners. Now, Facebook can put it all on blast. I have friends who have been confronted with the unfortunate phrase, “Hey, I thought you were sick?!” after they lied to get out of a date and were discovered tagged in photos showing them kicking it harder than P. Diddy . I have had friends questioned by their boyfriends after being spotted in photographs with men even though they were supposed to be having a "

I get by with a little help from my friends...

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When I was in college, I felt so isolated when I was struggling in calculus. I felt entirely alone until I spoke with a friend at Notre Dame who was also struggling. While I didn't wish her any harm, her struggles helped to encourage me. I realized that it was OK to experience challenges. I also learned that everything was going to be alright. It's amazing that I am still learning those lessons. My sometimes boyfriend and I recently called it quits. The reasons are numerous. After a three year relationship, you break up for every reason and for no reason. Most succinctly, we broke up because "sometimes" became less frequent; and the disappointment began to outweigh the joy. Initially, I internalized it and remained silent. I was reluctant to share my disappointment with anyone. I didn't want to admit to having yet another failed relationship. Eventually, I confided in some friends. That has made all of the difference. During "girl talk&q

Dating Rules Are Made to Be Broken...

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When women abandon their dating rules they tend to get surprised by love. I recently had dinner with a friend described her ideal man and then stated all of the things she wouldn’t do. She ended the conversation with a declaration that she was content being alone and intended to count her blessings instead of lamenting her losses. I wasn’t at all convinced that she was as committed as she sounded, but in the interest of kindness, I simply smiled. If You Abandon the Rules You May Find Love Where You Least Expect It I smiled because at one point in my life, I had been her. I refused to date outside of my race. I refused to date short men. I refused to date men who were more than four years older than me or more than four years younger than me. I wouldn’t be involved in a long distance relationship . The list goes on and on. However, once I started breaking my rules, I started loving. As fate would have it, my friend found love in the most unlikely of places. She foun

K.I.S.S.

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About seven years ago I decided to commit myself to having authentic friendships . If you're not careful, it's so easy to go through the motions of friendship without really connecting. Initially, I believed that authenticity required complexity. My friends and I would share and I felt this subtle pressure to offer some brilliant tid bit of advice. They'd tell me that their boyfriends had said something stupid. I'd try to comfort them about looking at the good things they had experienced with him. I'd encourage them to be patient and understanding. I'd remind them that every experience contained a lesson. It couldn't just be that their boyfriend was an a--h--e who didn't appreciate them. There had to be some deeper meaning. Another friend confided me that she had been laid off. After devoting herself to college, graduate school , and a career, she was let go without notice. She was devastated. I reminded her that everything happens for a reason a

Who's good to you might not be best for you...

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I have learned a great deal lately from my experiences and those of women who are close to me. Below are some of my reflections: One of the hardest love lessons to learn is that someone can be a good person, a good boyfriend even, but still not be right for you. In other words, you don't have to villify him in order to validate your decision. To believe otherwise negates your ability to make sound decisions. You may decide that you're better off without him. However, when you're lying in your bed alone, you may question your wisdom. You may think about his good qualities and conclude that your recognition of his goodness means that you must have made a mistake. However, when commenting about a friend's situation, my boyfriend commented, "It's not about who's "nice", it's about who's best for a lifetime. Sometimes you have to make tough decisions." The thing is, you have the right to create the life that you want to lead

Long Distance Relationships

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Last summer, my boyfriend moved to New York City from Pittsburgh, Pa. I live in Pittsburgh. I have learned that long distance relationships are hard on you and your relationships. You're trying to live your life in your home city and live a relationship on the road. Most adults enter a relationship because they want someone to spend their lives with. I'm no different. However, it's hard to share your life with someone who isn't there. Sometimes you ask yourself "What's the point?" Eventually, a lot of long distance relationships are crushed by the pressure because it takes so much out of people. Long distance relationships aren't so much built on faith as they are built on work, and most people don't want to work that hard. Busy people have busy lives. They get tired, they get lazy, they take one another for granted. They make assumptions about what their partner should know or understand. They fail to appreciate that absence is